Larry David Moment

I promise you, it is not what it looks like. I have a totally reasonable explanation. Go on this little journey with me: I finished my delicious spaghetti in meat sauce leftovers and decided to wash the container out so as to avoid the staining that is common when a tomato based sauce is left in tupperware containers. So I went to the sink in the kitchen just down the hall from my office and started to rinse. Naturally, because everything must have some sort of cruel twist of events when I am involved, the sprayer went crazy part way through the wash and threw water everywhere. Perfect. Not only did I now look like I had a different type of accident entirely but I am wearing grey, something you all would have already read is the worst for hiding wettness situations from the public eye. Well, after I mopped up all the water on the floor and counter, I walked as directly to the bathroom as possible. I had the brilliant idea to use the hot air hand blower to dry my pants. Now imagine Im standing there, as close as possible to the wall-mounted unit, drying my pants, when my boss enters the bathroom to see me like this. Without any words he just stopped, looked me up and down once, and then backed out of the bathroom. Sweet. A classic 'Its not what it looks like' moment. This is what I get for trying to save tupperware.

Spotted by my boss in the bathroom.

Bag Lady

You've all heard the term before. Well here's one real, living, breathing Bag Lady in the wild, this particular one complete with her Derby head wear. When are a backpack, and two LARGE purses necessary? Never. Or in this Bag Lady's world, every single day. Yes, she carrys these to and from work every single day. Ma'am, what on earth are you smuggling into and out of work every single day that would require so much portable storage space? Have you no file cabinet? Did they not issue you a laptop so you carry a Desktop home every night? There is no way you are carrying reasonable things that you could not just store at both ends of your daily commute. Let's work smarter not harder people.

Spotted in Ballston.

Butt Sweat

Theres no way you dont feel that. You have to know you are showing some serious lower-back/butt sweat. People- if you know you are Sweaty McSweaterson DO NOT WEAR CLOTH GREY SHORTS! Grey is one of the worst colors to wear when it comes to consealing unsightly sweatlines. Nobody wants to see your butt sweat or your pit stains, and its unacceptable unless you are literally midworkout/run or are at a gym-like facility of some kind. I won't even address your socks that I am hoping belong to your niece or maybe you have some unfortunately laundry day situation going on. Whatever it is, I can overlook the socks because like a gory ten car pileup, I can't look away from your butt sweat. Eww.

Spotted at P ST NW.

Matchy-Matchy

Bright colors have their place in everyday fashion. That place more often than not is in the role of an accent piece. If your entire outfit is an accent then thats not an accent. Very rarely is being so matchy-matchy ok. You, Ma'am, are not the exception to that rule. You are why we have that rule. Even the gaudy earings? Really? Come on, you didn't really think that was ok. I thought Jay made it clear. If you are going to be "All ____ everything" the _____ has to be BLACK. "Black cards, black cars, All black everything." So I dont want to see anymore of this All Teal Everything.

Spotted on the Orange Metro.

Jorts

Now, we all know geezers get a pass on almost everything. They get away with murder, literally-I read an article about a woman who drover her car through a street market fatally injuring one person but was never really punished except her license was taken away. But that's neither here nor there. So I am letting Father Time here get away with his two infractions, more to come on those, but I hold his loved ones accountable. Does nobody care about this man? Does nobody run interference between his old man ways and the rest of the world? His Jorts are a disaster. If you must Jort, homemade jean shorts, in this extreme heat, cut them, wash them so the strays fray and then trim the danglers so you don't look homeless. I have done that myself and trust they look great. And then there are the tall colored socks. Sure, the rule says that your socks should match your trousers, so his blue with blue here is almost passable, but its with trousers bud! Not Jorts! Save the color coordinated socks and bottoms for men in suits. And when you are wearing a shoe designed to be worn without socks, well you're really just all over the place. Somebody help this man. A comb wouldn't hurt either...

Spotted inside the Jefferson at Thomas Circle.

Exhibit A

Don't ever say that I don't practice what I preach. You might remember an earlier post where I mentioned the phenomenon where men where sneakers with their suits during their commutes to and from the workplace. You would then also remember that I said I would never do that. Here you will see the super bandage situation that I have going on so I can wear my amazing new shoes all day, including my commute to and from the beloved Metro. Yes, three bandages on my heels to prevent serious blisters is a little ridiculous, but this is good ridiculous, not bad ridiculous. This is commitment people. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good. Can't always have your cake and eat it too. But seriously, these shoes are beautiful. Totally worth it.

Spotted in my kitchen.

Mong

Just like women can NEVER wear mullets, men can't wear thongs. A man in a thong, or a mong if you will, is NEVER OK. Conversations around me at the pool suggested that maybe he's not from here and that in his native land that's appropriate swimwear. Well, honestly, I don't even care a little bit. A string bikini should never be in a man's wardrobe if he lives in the US. Under no circumstances is that appropriate public swimwear. I understand dodging tan lines, but come on! This is ridiculous! I don't care if you are an Aborigine, this is not OK! And next time you decide to put lotion on your feet, do it from the seated position! DO NOT BEND OVER! Half the pool saw all the way to your tonsils.

Spotted at the Capitol Skyline Pool.

At a loss...

Who wants this one? I have nothing. I don't even know where to begin. Homeboy was just chillin, trying to blend in with graffiti. At least he's not destroying someon else's property...?!? Oh, and points for the very natural stance...C3-PO much?

Spotted on 14th ST NW.

Dereoff

I love Beyonce as much, if not more, than the next person. Hands down the greatest entertainer of our generation. But if this is what results from Beys empowerment movement, then I'll have to vote no. Now I have no idea if this is from her line or not, but this gal and her friend were talking, rather obnoxiously, about Beyonces clothing line Dereon and how it fit their body types perfectly. I pray she isn't wearing Dereon here because that is NOT a perfect fit. The only way that outfit is your size, honey, is if its all cotton and you washed it in boiling water. Then it might have started out your size, but it is not anymore. Dress for the body you have, not the body you want. Work towards that body, THEN dress for that body. To the left, to the left with this look.

Spotted on P ST NW.

Skateboard Chic

Any given day I see many variations on the suit. Everything from thick wool suits totally inappropriate for summer to short sleeved dress shirts that make professionals look like interns. And while in commute to work you see all kinds of footwear paired with suits, on both men and women. I am always impressed with the women who bike to work in 5 inch heels and certainly understand why many would choose to wear running shoes and then switch into heels. And sure men can do the same. I would never, but sure you can. This man, however, was not in transit from home to work or vice versa. He was at work. At an upscale resturant. Working as host, you know, the first person customers see at the place. And yes, he's wearing shoes that might even be too much for those pioneers of skateboard chic, Pharrell Williams and his crew. There is no excuse for this at a nice resturant, opened by one of the Top Chef alum for the record. You look like an idiot.

Spotted on 14th ST NW.

FAL!

I love homemade signs and T-shirts at sporting events. As an athlete myself, I always appreciated the extra effort. But please, spell check! If you are spelling complicated words like 'GOAL!' and you are a product of DC Public Schools, PLEASE get help. Don;t go it alone. The sentiment is nice, but it just makes us all sad for you.

*someone suggested he was opting for the Spanish spelling but the front of the T is all written in English...Nope, pretty sure he just left a letter out. Excuses much?

Spotted at RFK Stadium.

Not-Hot Pants

Positive body image is one thing. But if when you look in your mirror you see a beauty with legs for days that must be shared but in reality your legs look like this, then you need to stop looking in a Fun House mirror and just spring for a real one. They aren't giving you doubletakes in the good kind of way. There is a reason the ladies are all staring at the ground when you walk by buddy. I think I just saw your cheek which Im sure is indecent exposure or something.

Spotted near Thomas Circle.

Giving Rats a Bad Name

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies: I am going to make this as plain and simple as I can. Are you ready? Here goes- "NO!" Ok, did you get that? I'll repeat myself. "NO!" Leave the Rat Tails to small boys who have no say in what their hair looks like. Do not grow out a Rat Tail and then straighten it. If you are too lazy to maintain long hair, we don't need you proving to us that you can in fact grow your hair out. We are more disgusted with this abomination than we would have ever been without it. You're embarrassing yourself and you need to cut it out, literally. I almost missed my stop because I was so transfixed on the thing hanging off the back of your head.

Spotted on the Yellow Line-Metro.

All Patchwork Denim Everything

Not since Britney and Justin rocked it head to toe, literally, has Denim on Denim been ok. And that was a couple mental breakdowns, a couple marriages and couple kids ago for her and a couple smash albums, a couple super successful stints on SNL and a couple major endorsements for him. Point is, NO! Stop! Go home and change! Do not make eye contact with anyone between here and there. To take it all up a notch and make it patchwork denim on patchwork denim, all patchwork everything if you will, is just very disheartening. This man's so trapped in bad late 90s/early 00's fashion, he's probably still waiting for the next NSYNC album. Let it go, man. Thats just wrong.

*I wish I could have snapped from the front...orange turtleneck under the jacket...

Spotted at Dupont Circle.

Solo Nono

I really don't consider myself a needy customer. But, call me crazy, if I pay the fine folks of Starbucks $5 for something I could get out of the breakroom for free I expect a lid with a hole so I can drink it! What does it matter if your cup is half full or half empty if its inaccessible? What happened to quality checks? We can do better, Solo.

Spotted at the Pentagon.

Mullette

What does your hair say about you? Everyone knows the addage "business in the front, party in the back" but I have serious trouble with this haircut in the workplace at all. Unless you promise to keep your back against the wall at all times so as to keep it strictly business at work, then you're partying when you shouldn't be. And if you are lady, well, dont get me started. It has literally NEVER been ok for the ladies to wear this cut. NEVER. Some did try to rock it back in the day when it was socially acceptable for men to rock it, but equality at Hair Cuttery and SuperCuts is still a long ways off ladies. Either go short or go long, you can't have both. At least not if you ever intend to be taken seriously. Unless you're an extra on the set of a remake that shouldn't have recieved the green light in the first place, get that fixed. Yesterday.

Spotted at the Pentagon.

Tan Moses

You just never know what or who you are going to see out and about in DC. Political figures are dime a dozen so don't be surprised if you see a familiar face in line for coffee or out to eat. But if that familiar face seems to ripped from the Old Testament and not the front page of the Washington Post then chances are you found Tan Moses. Tan Moses has it all. He comes with the knotted overgrown hair, the bare feet and the denim daisy dukes with slits up the side so its a cross between Katy Perry and Tarzan. To complete the package, he comes with the Walking Staff you might remember as his weapon of choice in his glory days in Egypt.

Hey buddy, Red Sea is that way.

Spotted at Thomas Circle.